Day2-DomesticViolence-NoMoreSilenceEndAbuse

Awareness

Day 2 - Domestic Violence

Signs/Behaviors Regarding Domestic Violence

The following is a list of behaviors that may indicate a potential batterer. It is not the purpose of the listing to imply that every person with some of these attributes is a batterer or potential batterer.

Jealousy:

At the start of the relationship, an abuser will equate jealousy with love. The abuser will question the victim about who the victim talks to, accuse the victim of flirting, or become jealous of time spent with others. The abuser may call the victim frequently during the day, drop by unexpectedly, refuse to let the victim work, check the car mileage, or ask friends to watch the victim.

Controlling behavior:

In the beginning an abuser will attribute controlling behavior to concern for the victim (for example, the victim's safety or decision-making skills). As this behavior progresses the situation will worsen, and the abuser may assume all control of finances or prevent the victim from coming and going freely.

Quick involvement:

A victim often has known or dated the abuser for a brief period of time before getting engaged or living together. The abuser will pressure the victim to commit to the relationship. A victim may be made to feel guilty for wanting to slow the pace or end the relationship.

Unrealistic expectations:

An abuser expects the victim to meet all of the abuser's needs, to take care of everything emotionally and domestically.

Isolation:

An abuser will attempt to isolate the victim by severing the victim's ties to outside support and resources. The batterer will accuse the victim's friends and family of being "trouble makers." The abuser may block the victim's access to use of a vehicle, work, or telephone service in the home.

Blames others for problems:

An abuser will blame others for all problems or for the abuser's own shortcomings. Someone is always out to get the abuser or is an obstacle to the abuser's achievements. The victim or potential victim will be blamed for almost anything.

Blames others for feelings:

An abuser will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Common phrases to look for: "You're hurting me by not doing what I want." "You control how I feel."

Hypersensitivity:

An abusive person is easily insulted, perceiving the slightest setbacks as personal attacks.

Cruelty to animals or children:

This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. The abuser may expect children to perform beyond their capability (for example whipping a two-year-old for wetting a diaper or teasing children or siblings until they cry).

"Playful" use of force in sex:

This behavior includes restraining partners against their will during sex, acting out fantasies in which the partner is helpless, initiating sex when the partner is asleep, or demanding sex when the partner is ill or tired. The abuser may show little concern for his partner's wishes and will use sulking and anger to manipulate compliance.

Verbal abuse:

This behavior involves saying things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, cursing or degrading the victim, or putting down the victim's accomplishments.

Rigid sex roles:

The victim, almost always a woman, will be expected to serve. For instance, a male abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

Dual personality "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde":

Explosive behavior and moodiness, which can shift quickly to congeniality, are typical of people who beat their partners.

Past battering:

An abuser will beat any partner if the individual is involved with the abuser long enough for the cycle of abuse to begin. Circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

Threats of violence:

This consists of any threat of physical force meant to control the partner. Most people do not threaten their mates but an abuser will excuse this behavior by claiming "everyone talks like that."

Breaking or striking objects:

This behavior is used as punishment (breaking sentimental possessions) or to terrorize the victim into submission.

Any force during an argument:

This may involve an abuser holding down his the victim, physically restraining the victim from leaving, or pushing or shoving. Holding someone back in order to make demands, such as "You will listen to me!" is also a show of force.

This was taken from the New Hope for Women website:  http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuser-tricks

The following diagram shows nonviolent behavior versus violent behavior.

Safety Alert - Your computer use can be monitored by your abuser. Most libraries and some schools have computers for public use.

Cover Your Tracks

Learn how to delete the history on your browser so your abuser cannot tell you have been to our site.

IMPORTANT

This information may not completely hide your tracks. Many browser types have features that display recently visited sites. Additionally, there is a lot of low-level software that can 'dig-up' where you have been on the Internet as well as what you have done on your computer. The safest way to find information on the Internet, would be at a local library, a friend's house, or at work.

Modern Browsers and "hidden" modes

Many modern browsers have modes you can use which will not track your activity. It's important to note that activity is only hidden AFTER you enable these modes, and only for as long as you're browsing. Once you close your browser window you then have to re-enable these modes if you want to browse more. Here is what they are called in some browsers:

• Google Chrome - Incognito (available in the File menu as "New Incognito Window")
• Safari - Private Browsing (available in the Safari menu as "Private Browsing...")
• Firefox - Private Window (available in the File menu as "New Private Window")
• Internet Explorer - InPrivate Browsing (available in the Safety menu as "InPrivate Browsing")

If you're not seeing an option for private browsing in your browser, or if the steps above don't work for you, simply search Google for how to browse in private. Instructions for your particular browser should be available.

IMPORTANT: If you're reading this YOUR ABUSER ALREADY CAN SEE YOU'VE BEEN TO OUR SITE unless you started browsing using a mode listed above.

Mobile Devices

If you're using a mobile device, your abuser can still access your browsing history etc. Many mobile browsers also have these modes. If you're unsure how to enable them, do a quick search for "private browsing on my X" where "X" is the type of phone or mobile device you're using.

How do I cover my tracks if I haven't used one of these modes or have already visited this page without one enabled?

The process for doing this varies with each different browser, and of course as time goes on new browsers are released which requires a different set of directions. This website has some good information on how to erase your browsing history. If you do not see your browser here, a quick Google search for "how to erase my browsing history on X" where X is the browser you're using should turn up the exact instructions you need.

One Additional Tip

When you clear the cache and the history list, you erase not only the information on where you've been, but any other information that had been previously stored there. So, if your partner checks and sees that the cache and the history list have been completely emptied, he'll not only know that you know how to do this, but might guess that you're trying to hide something.

One possible way to avoid suspicion is to clear the cache and history once you're done looking at information you don't want your partner to know about. After they're cleared, spend some time visiting sites that you think your partner wouldn't object to. This way, the cache and history list start to get filled up and your partner might be less likely to notice that old information is missing.

The above information was taken from the New Hope for Women website:  http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/secure-computer

New Hope for Women is located in Maine (USA)

If you are in Midcoast Maine in Sagadahoc, Lincoln, Knox and Waldo counties, New Hope for Women is here to help by calling our toll-free number at 1-800-522-3304, visiting our ‘Contact’ page, or stopping by any of our Midcoast offices.

If you are not from the Midcoast Maine area, here are some resources that may be of help to you: the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence at 1-866-83-4HELP or via the web at www.mcedv.org or the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 or via the web at www.thehotline.org.

It cannot be stressed enough, it you are in immediate danger, call 911. This information provided is not to be used in place of contacting someone, local agency, or resource to get help…above everything else, please stay safe!